With Christmas rapidly approaching, we hang our stockings with care and wrap our gifts with glee. That’s nice and all. But I’m going to take a yuletide moment and Grinch it up. In the (unholy) name of Festivus, I’d like to air my grievances:

The Trader Joe’s Parking Lot at Excelsior and Grand –I am by no means an architect. Nor am I a city planner. But what the hell? The parking lot adjacent to the St. Louis Park store is a cluster fuck of gigantic proportions. There are so many vehicles and people violently crammed into the ill designed and tiny U-shaped lot it’s like the opening battle scene in “Saving Private Ryan” but with shopping carts and bags of organic produce. 

People who are “Tip Teasers” - A few weeks ago, a Twin Cities food critic (who also hosts a wildly popular Food TV show) came into my business and asked a coworker of mine for help with a Christmas tree purchase. My coworker gave the cable star his undivided attention. He helped select the tree; fresh cut the tree, put a stand on the tree, and then tied the tree to the car. At the end of the nearly 45 minute transaction, the jolly Food TV star, told my coworker that he didn’t have any cash to tip him. But he’d come back tomorrow for sure with a generous tip. My coworker is still waiting. Note: Don’t be a tip tease.

Tiger Woods – Really? Tiger? Your Swedish super model wife wasn’t hot enough? You really had to go out and putt-the-muff of a skanky waitress from IHOP?

An online reader named MD – Three weeks ago, I published two stories in two major publications in the Twin Cities. That was a major event for me, you know, since I spend most of my day working a blue collar job. First, I published a story on Wild.com, the official website of the Minnesota Wild. Second, the December issue of Metro hit newsstands and it featured my magazine debut, a heartfelt essay on my struggle with Crohn’s Disease. But my literary euphoria quickly burst. A man named MD read my Wild.com story and hated it so much that he tracked me down on Metro Magazine’s website. MD posted five blistering and lengthy comments about my Wild.com hockey story at the bottom of my Crohn’s story. MD single handedly soiled what should have been a proud Spazz Dad moment. MD, sir, you have been very un-dude.  

Avatar – I haven’t seen a single minute of this new James Cameron movie, but it already annoys me.

The movie “Anti Christ” – This movie is under the guise of being an “art house” film. I’m calling bullshit. In one scene, a fox eats his own entrails and then utters the phrase, “Chaos Reigns”. Another scene features graphic genital mutilation. And yet another features a husband and wife banging in the shower while their child plummets to his death. Did the world need this?

Men who wear Fedoras. And scoop necked t-shirts, skinny jeans, and jeans with embroidering on the back pockets. Seriously, dudes. Have some pride. Man up.

The American Girl Store in the Mall of America – Did you know that you can make an appointment to have your daughter’s doll get her hair done? And the hair dressing session lasts almost an hour? Again, I’m calling bollocks.

The Wii – My son asked Santa for a Wii this Christmas. That is fine because he’s a five year old boy and that’s what five year old boys ask for. And I love the kid. But god damn. This interactive game thing-y is a monster. You have to buy the console. Then you have to buy an extra remote because the console only comes with one remote. Then you have to buy games. Then you have to buy different remotes to match the different games.  Christ almighty, I had to buy a new TV to match the Wii because our old TV was outdated. Now, I’m 37 years old. When I was kid, all we needed was a can. Literally. We played a game called kick-the-can. It was genius.