My coworker John McCracken greeted the morning with a sledgehammer. It was 7:30am and 27 degrees and he pounded away at a slab of concrete and black top. Frost hung from his breath. I stood several feet away schwooging away cinder blocks that he had busted up. For over ten minutes, the frigid air filled with a rhythmic thump-thump-thump. Then all of a sudden, as McCracken’s sledgehammer detonated on the ground, the sound of breaking glass could be heard. Completely alarmed, we both dropped to a knee to inspect the cement. Inside the hollow spaces of the cement blocks, someone a long time ago had placed old soda bottles. We unearthed three ancient Mountain Dew bottles. To our amazement, on the bottle face was a picture that featured an armed hillbilly, a spooked pig, an outhouse, and the slogan “It’ll tickle yore Innards!”

“Oh, my god,” I said, as I inspected the thick green bottle. “The man on the front of the bottle is shooting a rifle at another man!”

“Wow,” McCracken said. “He’s barefoot and has a flask hanging from his side."

On the bottom right of the front of the bottle it said, “Made from flavors specially blended in the traditional hillbilly style.”

“What in God’s name does that mean?” McCracken quipped. Then I turned the bottle over.

“Check out the picture on the back,” I said. There was a picture of a cork popping out of a moonshine jug and blowing a hole in a man’s hat. “Talk about good advertising.”


 

On the back of the bottle it said, “Less than 1/10 of 1% Benzoate of soda.” We immediately looked up Benzoate on the internet. Turns out, Benzoate is used in fireworks to make a whistling sound. When it is used in combination with ascorbic acid, Benzoate may form Benzene, a known carcinogen.

“Tasty,” I quipped. “Lemon lime flavored igniter fuel.”

Hours later, we were still laughing about the Mountain Dew bottles. The mere fact that the picture on the face of the bottle was of a man shooting a gun at another man was just ridiculous. 

“That would never fly in today’s world,” I remarked.

Or so I thought.

We were both remarkably drinking Mountain Dew at the time. (Note: Working men are huge Dew drinkers.) I looked down at the plastic Mountain Dew bottles we were both holding in our hands. The front of our bottles featured a warlock woman from the video game “World of War Craft.” She was medieval, had spikes on her outfit, and looked to be on the verge of killing something.

“Jokes on us,” McCracken muttered.