The bearded man in the infomercial joyously yelled at me. Billy Mays was his name and he was selling something called a “Big City Slider Station.” According to Mr. Mays, I had to have this special pan because it cooked tiny scrumptious hamburgers (or Sliders) on the stove top. Within seconds, I was convinced that I needed one.  I needed one so that I could grotesquely stuff my face on greasy little White Castle style burger nuggets in my own home. Preferably with no shirt on.  When Mays frantically said on his infomercial that the “Big City Slider Station” came with a special meat scooper, I was sold. So I headed to the Mall of America to visit the “As Seen on TV” store to purchase my “Big City Slider Station.”

The store was packed. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one in the Twin Cities looking to purchase some crap they’d seen on TV. The walls were stocked with legendary do-dads. An odd sensation ran through me as I reached out and touched the Bacon Genie, The Ove Glove, and the world famous Snuggie (the blanket with sleeves!). There was an alarm clock called the Wacky Waker that produced shocking farm animal noises when the alarm went off.   There was an electric Bug Zapper that basically was a tennis racket with high voltage strings. On a display spinner near the cash register, there were spray cans for sale that contained a liquid made of tear gas and pepper spray.  A sign on the display spinner announced that FAA regulations prohibited me from bringing my can of mace on an airplane. Good to know. I went to pay for my “Big City Slide.”

“What’s your best selling item?” I asked the cashier.

“Top Three: EZ Comb (the double comb), the Snuggie, and the Smooth Away hair remover,” the cashier said. 

I paused. I’d totally forgotten about the remarkable Smooth Away hair remover, the little brush a woman could use to gently comb away unwanted body hair. For a split second, I thought my wife might want one. The item seemed to hilariously peak Sarah’s interest when she saw it on TV. But then my sanity kicked in. I realized that bringing home a gift (as a joke or not) that helped a woman remove unwanted body hair would be a colossal mistake.

The cashier looked down at my “Big City Slider Station” box and tapped it with his fat fingers. 

“This thing here been selling, too,” the cashier said. 

Bring on the Sliders.