I’m in love with Hollywood’s hottest new couple: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Swift, the sweetheart country-pop singer, has hooked up with Lautner, the hunky werewolf from the movie Twilight, to form the ultimate heart throb duo. I can’t get enough of these two. Now I understand that this all might sound rather pervy coming from a 37 year old man with an online moniker of Spazz Dad. But I’m currently embroiled in a heated round of my families Us Weekly Fantasy League, a game in which we draft celebrities and get points if they land on the cover or in the magazine. I have both Taylors on my roster and the Tay-Tay combo has the potential to give me monster points.

Ever since my family started our Us Weekly Fantasy League, we’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time wishing for the celebrities on our rosters to engage in infidelity, insemination, and late night benders. If one of the celebs on my roster gets drunk and punches a midget in the mouth or sleeps with a stripper named “Venus Fly Trap” (who in turn does a tell-all to the magazine) then so be it. Sucks for them. But points for me. We are constantly on the lookout for celebs that are on the brink of success and disaster. K Fed, for example, is prime for the picking because his recent ginormous weight gain makes him resemble a manatee. Megan Fox seems to put out more than a pitching machine. Have you seen Chaz Bono? What is that all about? In the case of Swift and Lautner, for me to win the game I need them to let their teenage hormones to go bonkers and engage in some good old fashioned tiddlywinks. Stat. 

“Taylor Swift needs to get pregnant,” I declared to my family at our regular Sunday dinner. We had gathered in my parent’s kitchen to not only to prepare food dishes but to dish and bash on celebs. “That werewolf dude needs to knock her up quick.”

 “Pa-lease!” My sister-in law Lesley shouted. “I need Britney Spears to become a lesbian. She needs a girlfriend. Come on Brit, get a little curious!”

“How about Levi Johnston?” My brother Tony said, as he took a pan of Broder’s ravioli out of the oven.

“Who the heck is that?” I asked.

“My number one pick, dude,” Tony said. “He’s the bo-hunk Alaskan that knocked up Palin’s daughter. And he’s about to appear on the cover of Playgirl. Palin plus pregnancy plus nudie mag is like winning the paparazzi Powerball.”

“Well played, sir,” I said.

A hush of amazement fell over the kitchen. We all stopped doing our designated kitchen tasks and basked in the splendor of the Sarah Palin family scandal. Tony’s pick was genius. In one smooth check-mate move, Tony had scooped the hottest sleeper pick in the draft and applied deft Us Weekly strategy. The big wattage stars only make it on to the cover of Us Weekly half of the time. Most issues feature reality show flunkies and B-level celebs. So the key to a productive Us Weekly draft roster is not necessarily the Julia Roberts of the world, but mining the gutters of Hollywood. 

Not to be out done, though, my sister Reebs (as in Rebecca) answered with a stellar back-to-back swing of picks and selected Robert Pattinson and Kate Gosslein, the sexiest vampire on the planet and the omnipotent mother of 8 kids, respectively.

“But my money makers are the bat-shit crazy lineup of Russell Brand, Paris Hilton, Adam Lambert, Madonna, Gerald Butler, and one of those Khardasians that I selected on picks 4 through 9,” Reebs said, referring to her paparazzi loving celebs in the meat of her roster.

As we all sat down to eat, my wife took a bold step. In an unprecedented move, Sarah announced that she selected the child of a celeb.

 “I want Suri Cruise!” Sarah yelped.

“Oh! Snap!” Lesley shouted back. “A kid!” Our collective morality paused for a moment to consider if the drafting of a celebrities kid was fair game. We passed bowls of food around the table in meditation.

“Tom Cruise is an asshole,” Sarah offered.

“Yes he is,” we all agreed.

 “And the last picture I saw of Suri, the kid had on a six hundred dollar Yves Saint Laurent jumper and high heels,” Sarah said. She paused and put a dollop of mashed potatoes onto her plate. “She’s three. Years. Old. In. Heels.”

“Game on,” I dead panned.

The Complete Rosters:

Sarah                                      

1.      Kristin Stewart 

2.      Suri Cruise

3.      Brad Pitt 

4.      Angelina Jolie

5.      Khloe Kardashian

6.      Penelope Cruz

7.      Javier Bardem

8.      K Fed

9.      Penn Bagley 

10. Hugh Jackman

Spazz

1.      Taylor Lautner

2.      Ryan Seacrest

3.      Taylor Swift

4.      Hailey Glassman 

5.      Megan Fox 

6.      Bethany Frankel

7.      Chaz Bono

8.      Bradley Cooper

9.      T.R. 

10. Ivanka Trump

Lesley

1.       Lindsey Lohan 

2.      Jon Gosslein 

3.      Britney 

4.      John Mayer   

5.      Michael Jackson

6.      Matthew McConaughey

7.      Tom Cruise 

8.      Mariah Carey

9.      Katie Holmes

10. Julie Roberts 

Tony

1.       Levi Johnston 

2.      George Clooney

3.      Ellen

4.      Jen Aniston

5.      Heidi Klum

6.      Dave Letterman

7.      Sandra Bullock

8.      Cameron Diaz

9.      Ewan McGregor

10. Ashton Kushner

Reebs

1.       Robert Pattinson

2.      Kate Gosslein

3.      Kate Hudson

4.      Russell Brand

5.      Paris Hilton

6.      Adam Lambert

7.      Madonna

8.      Gerald Butler

9.      Kim Kardashian

10. Matt Damon