My son recently started kindergarten. During the school kick-off celebration, I observed several glaring parental stereotypes. Here they are.

Helicopter Moms

Description: These micro managing parents hover over every aspect of their child’s life. Parenting style: Snippy drill sergeant meets anxious perfectionist. Trait: Harps on her son’s Lego creations, telling him they aren’t up to city code. Kids: Sebastian and Elsa Quote: “Your kid doesn’t know how to speak Mandarin? And they’ve never eaten Foie Gras? Really? Huh.” Grocery shops:  Whole Foods Car: a spotless Saab station wagon. Home Base: A pristine modern home with zero clutter, zero warmth, zero sugar, and music from the Berlin Symphony filling every room. Can be found at: The Walker Art Center’s Arty Pants Play Dates critiquing her four year old son’s paint splatters. Dirty Little Secret: Thinks her kids are total fuckers. She regrets having them because they’ve robbed her of her once perfect life, which consisted of tantric love making with her architect husband Geoffrey, NYC gallery openings, and four hour-nine course dinners.

The Hippie

Description: These parents think child rearing guidelines are a Fascists plot. Parenting Style:  Porous. It’s all good. Kids: Peaches, China Cat Sunflower, and Townes Van Sant Quote: “If my daughter wants to go to school dressed as the Oscar Meier Weiner and wear a giant foam costume of a hot dog in a bun it is totally ok with me. She’s just expressing herself.” Home Base: The house on the block with the Tibetan prayer flags streaming off the roof. The entire front lawn has been replaced with native grasses and perennials, which is a great idea in theory, but it looks like absolute shit.  Grocery shops: the Wedge Drives: a Toyota Prius (that mommy bought with her trust fund).Thinks: Modern medicine is evil and treats her children’s aliments with a hocus pocus regiment of crushed marigolds and the tears of a Golden Retriever. Dirty little secret: Mom doesn’t recycle. 

The Grup (or Alterna Yuppie)

Description: These men and women are hipster parents. They openly defy old fashioned parenting and have created their own cool indie style of child rearing. They have tats, wear indie rock garb, and have awesome windswept hair. Parenting style: Super kick-ass. In the Grup household, Dad often asks himself, “What would Jeff Tweedy do?” Instead of typical children’s music, a Grup insists that his children listen to the Arctic Monkeys, Wilco, and the dope bass line in “Police and Thieves” by The Clash. Grups dress their children in kitschy rock t-shirts, retro shoes, and Adidas zip-ups. Kids: Strummer and Blitzen Can be found at: 89.3 The Current’s Rock the Cradle. Drives: A Volvo station wagon with an Obama sticker on the back. Occupation: Dad works as a graphic designer for Carmichael Lynch and rides a long board around the office. Quote: “Instead of reading Dr. Seuss to my sons, I read them Pavement lyrics.” 

Fabulous Mom

Description: This mom makes every other parent look bad. Literally. She is beautiful and perfect and her children look like David Beckham or Gwyneth Paltrow. Parenting Style: Is a parent in name alone. The nanny handles all of that. Kids: Lindsey, Riley, and Sumner. Can be found: doing yoga at Blooma, shopping at Hot Momma in Edina, tennis lessons at Interlachen Country Club, or talking on her cell phone to another Fab Mom about how she isn’t happy with the Chilean quartz that surrounds the new brick pizza oven on her patio. Grocery shops: Byerlys Quote: “I’m just exhausted. Between the meetings with the designers, Sumner’s ballet classes, Lindsey’s tennis lessons, and my appointments at Spalon, there just isn’t enough time.” Drives: Fab mom drives a different SUV monstrosity each day, selecting from a Cadillac Escalade, Range Rover, or Porsche Cayenne. (Not so) dirty little secret: Fab mom never lifts a finger all day. Her only responsibility is to look so hot that all of her husband’s friends want to bang her.

The Grinder

Description: This middle class family is just getting by financially, physically, and emotionally. Every single day is a familial meat grinder of work schedules, babysitters, school goings-on, and kid’s sports. Daily goal: Making it to events on time. Parenting Style: Sometimes it’s loosey-goosey and other times it’s an old school brand of “shut-your mouth and wait till your dad gets home.” In the Grinder household, there is no whining (mom doesn’t speak Whinese), you mind your manners, do your homework, play hard, play nice, don’t torment your sister, respect your grandparents, sanitize your hands, and go to sleep crammed into a room with your siblings. Then repeat in eight hours. Kids: Olivia, Elliot, and Cal. Drives: a Honda Pilot Occupation: Dad works at DataLinks in a cubicle and Mom works part time at the Human Society. Typical day:  There is no typical day. It’s a god damn circus over there. When both parents are working, Grinders call to action an army of grandparents and relatives to help out with day care. Grocery shops:  Super Target about every other day. Nightly routine: after homework, baths, and the good night tuck-in, Mom drinks a glass of wine and Facebooks. Dad goes for a jog to maintain his “Doing-it” body.

The Breeder

Description: These parents don’t have a family, per se, but rather a litter of children. They have six kids that are all one year apart. Parenting Style: It’s God’s Will. Chaos begets joy. Kids: Michael, Matthew, Thomas, Edward, Mary, Ann. Can be found at: Church, preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, park, playground, or the sideline of a kids sporting events. They are everywhere. Clichés used: Mom says things like, “Never a dull moment!” or “There’s always something!” Drives: a church van Grocery shops: Costco Claim to Fame: Dad and mom are so fertile, dad claims to have sneezed once and it got mom pregnant. Daily routine: Seven loads of laundry, twenty meals, seventeen temper tantrums, fourteen shit-fits, sixteen wipe-outs, three baths, four play dates, five drop-offs, five pick-ups, three soccer practices, and after all that, mom’s reward is trying to fold laundry while dad paws at her.

Spazz Dad (aka Todd Smith)

Description:  an obnoxious blaggard who somehow duped a woman way out of his league to marry him and then procreate. Parenting style: equal parts J.J Evans, Horseshack, and Ogie Oglethorpe. Kid: Big Murph Can be found: anywhere beef jerky is sold. Quote: “As long as the kids aren’t throwing shit on the walls, everything will be all right. Once they start throwing feces, you’ve lost them.” Car: Subaru with a Lebowski bumper sticker that reads, “Not on the rug, man.” Claim to Fame: In college, Spazz Dad was ticketed twice in one night for driving a bike while grossly intoxicated. Then he hit a parked car and urinated in the dorm elevator. Daily routine: Eat, work, and wrestle.