During a recent thunderstorm, I tried to calm my worried son by telling him that all the booming thunder and lightning was from “God bowling up in heaven.” That was total bullshit. It wasn’t bullshit that I was trying to relax my son. It was total bullshit because God could dominate any sport he chose to play. Why would he pick bowling? Hey, I love bowling as much as the next guy (mark it 8, dude). But when it comes to sports, I think God could do better. Here are a few scenarios.

NFL: Quarterback for the New Orleans Saints

Wearing nothing but a loin cloth and cleated Birkenstocks, God beat out Drew Brees in training camp to win the starting job. He began the season by throwing 47 straight Hail Mary passes to Reggie Bush-all for touchdowns. During a road game versus the Eagles, the brutal Philadelphia fans booed God unmercifully. “YOU! AIN’T! SHIT!” The obnoxious Philly fans chanted. God led the Saints to the Super Bowl where they blew out the New England Patriots123-14. In the post game press conference, a dejected Tom Brady said, “I just couldn’t find a way to beat God today.” After the game, Randy Moss was seen drinking Holy wine out of a chalice and snacking on Communion wafers. When asked by a reporter what he was eating and drinking, Moss replied, “Straight God Homey.”

Major League Baseball: Pitcher for the Anaheim Angels

Discovered throwing rocks in a Cuban sugar field, God was signed by an Angels scout. He made his baseball debut for the Muskegon Raccoons, a single A ball club in the Frontenac League. God threw the first batter he faced two straight 130 mph fastballs. Then he threw a change-up so wicked the batter lost all control of his bodily functions. God was immediately called up to the Angels and dominated the American league with an arsenal of pitches, one of which he called “Judas” for its ability to screw the batter in the back. After going 11-0, Anaheim traded God to the Boston Red Sox. But God came at a steep price for the Sox: They traded the entire city of Boston – the buildings, the streets, and the people -to the Anaheim owner. God gave up only four hits in his entire baseball career-all to Joe Mauer.

Major League Soccer: Striker for the Los Angeles Galaxy

Are you kidding? Even God doesn’t watch American Soccer.

NASCAR: Driver

God owns and operates the very first hybrid NASCAR race car. Pissing off the NASCAR good ol’ boys even further, God paints his Hybrid race car pale blue and decorates it with white clouds. God’s corporate sponsors- PETA, Whole Foods, and Peace Corps-cover the car with cheery stickers. God wins the first three races he enters. But he quickly grows disgusted with the NASCAR scene. During a pit stop at the Daytona 500, he over hears (FYI: he hears everything) his pit crew chief, George W. Bush, talking about all the “big ass titties in the front row of section 114”. 

NHL: Goaltender for the Minnesota Wild

After seven straight losing seasons, God is drafted No.1 by the Wild. “How can you pass on God? He’s a sure thing,” said Chris Snow, Director of Hockey Operations for the Wild. God became the savior of the franchise. Because of his propensity for saving, God is the best goalie in league history. He leads the Wild into the Stanley Cup Playoffs and instantly grows one of the best Playoff Beards ever seen. During the Conference Finals against bitter rival Vancouver, Canucks forward Alex Burrows blatantly checks God from behind. God is so incensed that he casts a biblical plaque over the Canucks that turns their bones into sea salt. God is given a 10 minute game misconduct penalty for Wrath.

NBA: Point Guard for the Portland Trailbalzers

God’s game –a mix of old school fundamentals and Harlem street flair - is so tight, he makes LeBron James look like Jack Lemmon. His range is limitless and his crossover dribble is so fresh it literally snaps the necks of his opponents. The Trailblazers are granted extra time-outs just so God can revive the defenders he has burned. As the Trailblazers starting point guard, God runs an offense called “The Cross”. He also averages 70.4 points a game. When Portland take a road trip to Los Angeles to play the Lakers, God discovers that life for a NBA ball player is not unlike Sodom and Gomorra. God leads the Trailblazers to an NBA title. Brandon Roy, the Finals MVP, was mobbed in the Blazers locker room by adoring media. “First off, I’d like to thank God,” Roy said, as he mistakenly pointed towards the heavens.

“You’re welcome,” God replied two stalls down.