In the short time that I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve garnished a rather despicable reputation for writing about highly inappropriate things. My anus, for example, is one of my favorite things to write about. And I’ve written extensively about back hair, boobies, Funyons, sex boats, and peckers. But it is now time for a change and I’m pleased to announce a New Spazz Dad. This new and mature Spazz Dad will be so sophisticated that he’ll singlehandedly raise the bar for literature worldwide. The following is a list of comparisons between Old Spazz Dad and New Spazz Dad.

-Old Spazz would listen nonstop to the scurvy rap styling’s of ‘Ol Dirty Bastard’ on his iPod. On weekends, Old Spazz would don a bullet proof vest, drink a bottle of malt liquor, and impregnate twelve random women in the ODB’s honor.

-New Spazz will buy a turntable and listen to vinyl records, particularly the gorgeous harmonies of the indie band ‘Fleet Foxes’. At night, New Spazz will don a corduroy jacket, stroke his ¾ beard, and contemplate the beauty of nectarines.

-Old Spazz would’ve gone to Rainbow Foods and bought anything with the word ‘Roundys’ in the label.

-New Spazz will shop exclusively at Kowalski Market and become a purveyor of organic meats and vegetables. He will also thoroughly enjoy the gentle wallet reaming he receives at the cashier.

-Old Spazz would TiVo E! Network’s program titled ‘Sexiest Jobs in Miami’. He would enjoy the cultural lessons of women in bikinis riding horses on the beach. 

-New Spazz will watch Charlie Rose every night. Unlike Old Spazz, New Spazz wouldn’t openly wonder why smart people have to be so boring. And ugly.

-In staff meetings, Old Spazz would refer to Chris Clayton and Chuck Terhark, the Senior Editors of Metro Magazine, as ‘Gangar and C-Murder’.

-New Spazz will respectively refer to his editorial bosses as ‘The Rizza’ and ‘The Gizza’.

-Old Spazz would’ve eaten a can of Bacon Bits until he felt sad and ashamed.

-New Spazz will only nosh on homemade gorp.

-Old Spazz would quote the movie “Slap Shot” at will, squeezing hilarious one-liners into daily conversations. A favorite used to be, “I’m going to go out there and wiggle my dick at them.”

-New Spazz has filled his entire Netflix Que with the movies of Kate Winslet.

-Old Spazz used to repeatedly send filthy text messages to his friend Nick’s landline, thus, making a robotic voice deliver his raunchy taunts. Having a robot leave a message that said “Four. Way. Log Jam.” into your friend’s home phone would bring tears of joy to Old Spazz’s eyes.

-New Spazz has directed all the misguided energy he spent pulling pranks into building an environmentally friendly scooter that runs on bubbles.

-Old Spazz used to regularly wear a mesh University of Montana tank top that was so hideous it would make his wife run into their house and vomit. But his wife’s nausea did not stop him. Old Spazz would chase after her yelling, “Go Griz! Go Griz!”

-New Spazz buys all his clothing at J.Crew. He now wears shirts with collars, under wear (he used to just a wear a jock strap), whimsical shorts with tiny lobsters stitched into them, and wrinkle/stain proof khakis. He now answers to the name ‘Spaulding’.