I recently had to fill out a “Health Assessment Questionnaire” for a routine physical. The questionnaire was a massive six page ordeal that touched on every aspect of my life. Below is a sampling of the questions, my answers, and my real thoughts.

What is your current marital status?

Married. Although Sarah is the love of my life, I secretly think she sometimes hates my face.  Especially after doing yardwork together.

Who lives in your house?

My wife Sarah and son Murphy. Although my wife and I technically own the house, my son has commandeered every square inch of the property. As I write this, he has taken all the cushions off the couch because “he felt like it,” spilled out a pile of Legos onto the living room table and has no intentions of cleaning them up, and brought a box of holiday decorations out of a storage closet because he wanted to set up for Christmas. In July.

On average, how many times a day, do you eat a well balanced meal consisting of fruits, vegetables, grains, and meat?

One. Hey, Mr. Questionnaire.  What’s with the attitude? Like you’ve never eaten Pepito’s Lupitas five times in one week. 

How often do you read food labels?

Never. I read food prices.

What best describes your current weight?

Kick-ass.

How frequently are you exposed to someone else’s tobacco use?

Daily. My coworker Soderberg prefers to smoke his cigarettes while chewing tobacco. He calls it the ‘Dos Nicatino’.

Do you have any questions about parenting?

Yes. Is it legal to taser my child?

If you have a parenting partner, how often do you agree on parenting practices?

Sometimes. My wife prefers to teach our son useful things like the concept of sharing, proper nutrition, and educational enrichment. I, on the other hand, like to do my parenting through the use of a bull horn and cable television. I discipline my son with the application of a Baron von Raschki Claw. Nuff said.

Do you suffer from…

Persistent itching?

 Yes. I don’t know the correct medical term for my recurring foot itch. But I call it ‘Trench Foot’. 

Excessive sweating? 

Yes. Imagine, if you will, an Orangutan wearing a wool Irish sweater, working a manual labor job, on a black top parking lot. That would be me. 

Sudden Change in Vision? 

Yes. In February, I had ocular reconstruction surgery on my right eye that has been damaged by overexposure to sunlight. The medical term for the condition is Rterygium. My friend Wu-Tang Mike just calls it, ‘Vage Eye’.

Testicular/scrotal pain? 

No. Does‘Blue Balls’ count?

Hair Loss? 

No.  Actually, it’s quite the opposite. My body is going against the natural direction of hair loss for a 36 year old man. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more hair. Because of my rapid hair growth on my head, back, ears, nose, and a hole in the side of my forehead, Sarah recently referred to me as, “The Follicle Benjamin Button.”

Uncontrollable Anger? 

No. But I will punch you in the throat if these questions persist. And one more thing: your mother’s a whore.