My son is entering kindergarten in the fall. A while back, I attended a registration at my local Minneapolis school to listen to various professionals from the Minneapolis school system talk about busing, lunch programs, and after school activities. Then a representative from the PTA got up and spoke. After the rousing speech, I returned home convinced that I should join the PTA.  

I was going to do it. I was going to be an involved parent, rise up from the street Rocky style, and start making changes in our failed school system. With my callused working man hands and progressive mind, I was going to bring down “The Man”. I informed my wife of my plan to join the PTA and thereby, change the world.  

Sarah listened whole heartedly. Then she said, “Our son likes to shoot tennis balls with a hockey stick from our living room and into the kitchen so that they hit the refrigerator. It scares the be’jesus out of me all day. Did you show him how to do that?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t want to sound like a ninny here. But do you think the PTA board is the right fit for you?” She asked. “Are they ready for Spazz Dad?”

“Maybe.”

Here is a list of reasons why I think I’m qualified to join the PTA board:

-After a long training session, I’ve successfully taught my five year old son how to apply various legendary wrestling moves such as “The Camel Clutch,” “The Claw, “and “The Coffin Dropper”. After a school wide lesson on wrestling moves that will “humble your opponent into submission,” playground bullying with cease to exist.

- I’m filled with catchy and rich societal phrases that children love to imitate. At a recent work barbeque, my son told my friend J.R. - a dude with long hair and a chin strap beard - to “get a haircut you hippie.” Now that is Edge-A-Macation.

-I’m a firm believer in boo-ing. Think about it: We’ve all been Dr. Phil’d to death with all this psycho-babble. It’s made every one soft. Including kids. With my proposed school wide “Boo-ing Acceptence Policy” children will let their teachers and classmates know exactly how they feel on issues. No more whining. No more tantrums. Just boo.

-My education agenda will scrap the failed “No Child Left Behind” program, a monstrous bureaucratic entanglement, and install a new striped down education policy titled K.I.S.S. (also known as Keep It Simple Stupid).

-I’ve seen every single episode of SpongeBob. When a child utters the phrase, “I’m a goofy goober,” I know exactly what he/she means. That has got to count for something. 

Right?