I’m currently in the middle of working 50 straight days without a single day off. So in an effort to spice up my work week, I decided to work each day as a different Daniel Day-Lewis character. The Oscar winning actor is renowned for immersing himself into his roles and his commitment to his craft is both legendary and inspiring. Although I am by no means an actor, I’m a theatrical nimrod of the highest degree.

Monday - John Proctor from “The Crucible”

“Good Morning, Todd,” my coworker Kristin said.

“Call me John Proctor,” I replied in a rough pilgrim-y accent.

Sensing I was up to some work place shenanigans, Kristin clapped her hands with excitement. “O-Kay!” Kristin said. “But why am I calling you John Proctor?” 

“BECAUSE. IT. IS. MY. NAME!” I bellowed with righteousness.

A few minutes later, my coworker Andy stumbled in late and grossly hung over. I looked at him with pious disapproval.

“You have soiled your soul and disgraced this house of worship,” I said, shaking a fist.

“I don’t know what’s going on here. But you can save it.  D-bag,” Andy quipped. 

Tuesday-Bill “The Butcher” Cutting from “Gangs of New York”

I ate my lunch with a giant dagger as my sole eating utensil. Three of my coworkers sat across from me. They were all Catholic and had strong Irish or Italian last names: Moynihan, McCambridge, and Sposetto.

“So this is the Pope’s new army?” I said in a brutal New York accent, echoing the rousing hate filled anti Catholic Immigrant speech from the movie.   “A few crusty bitches and some Rag-tags.” 

Then I tried to ram my dagger into the lunch table. It clanked. “Whoopsy-Daisy!” I exaggeratedly shrugged my shoulders. “Any of yose minions wanna work Ta’day?”

Wednesday -Hawkeye from “Last of the Mohicans”

I ran majestically to every task, sprinting in slow motion whenever I could. I stood next to the greenhouse fans and let the wind ripple through my hair. I stared longingly across the perennial lot at all the blooming flowers, reminiscing about a simpler time before the “White Man” came. My coworker Riley acted as my nemesis Mogwai and routinely popped out from behind trees and shrubs and whacked me in the shins with his broom handle. Since union regulations prohibit the wearing of loin clothes, I worked all day without underwear. This, for the record, was gross.   

Thursday-Gerry Conlon from “In the Name of the Father”

For the whole day, I spoke in an Irish accent that was so bad it actually sounded Chinese. 

Friday –Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood”

“How long have you worked here?” My coworker Kristin asked me. I set down my hose and gave her a piercing stare. I paused for several long seconds to create dramatic tension. The moment was ripe with anticipation for me to speak, just like the first minutes of the movie. Then I leaned in.

“I’m a…Nurse-Rey…Mawn,” I said in a stern and cartoonish voice, “And I have been…a…Nursery-Rey…Mawn…my… Hole… life. This is my partner and son…M.W. (Murphy William)…”

Kristin looked at me, bubbling with excitement. She’s like a female Jim Halpert from “The Office” and loves a good work place gag. We persuaded our fellow coworkers to use the term “I Drink Your Milkshake!” every chance they could. And often at the most inopportune times.

“Excuse me, Riley, do blueberry bushes like acidic soil?”

“I drink your milkshake!”

“Pardon me J.R., but can you recommend a perennial that is drought tolerant?”

“I drink your milkshake!”

“Hey, Andy, where are the Dragon Wing begonias?”

“Milk. Shake.”

 Who knew a Daniel Day-Lewis could be so much fun?