In an on-going attempt to eat as unhealthy as possible, I recently visited The Nook, a cozy little neighborhood bar in St. Paul, to stuff my face with low grade meat and cheese. To be precise: I was there to eat a Juicy Burger, the Nook’s version of hamburger with cheese melted in the middle. My wing man was Chris Clayton, Senior Editor at Metro Magazine, who loves Nook burgers so much he is like the “Mayor McCheese” of the Mac Groveland area.

We walked through the front door and it was basically the portal into Burger Town. Then we took two seats at the bar and got down to business: We ordered burgers and drinks without looking at the menu. After we got our drinks, the bar banter fired up.

“My wife works at a Minute Clinic,” Chris told me. “It’s been crazy there ever since The Swine Flu.”

“I think my colon has The Swine Flu,” I replied. “Speaking of which, what crap are you watching on TV these days?”

“I openly admit that I watch the reality show ‘The Real Housewives of New York,’” Chris admitted. Then he took a huge pull from his pint.

“If we are making admissions…Then I got to tell you that I can’t stop watching the reality show ‘The Cougar’. In an elimination ceremony last episode, a guy was so nervous that he puked.  Then he kissed The Cougar. It was awesome.”

Over head, a flat screen TV played a Stanley Cup Playoff game.

“My friend Dosh (aka Reggie Dunlap) recently told me that testicular guards or cups were first used in hockey in 1874,” I told Chris.

“Yeah. So?”

“The first hockey helmet wasn’t used until 1974,” I said.

We peeked into the kitchen and saw our burgers being served up.

 “Oh, just wait,” Chris said eagerly. “This burger will be grease-tastic.”

As if on cue, the bartender dropped our burgers right in front of us. I picked my burger up immediately.

“Careful, boss,” the bartender quipped, raising an eyebrow. I set my burger down to let the scalding hot cheese in the middle of the two patties cool down. I looked over at Chris and he wasn’t waiting for shit. He went after his meal. He. Got. Up. On. That. Burger.

After a few minutes, I lifted up my Juicy Nook Burger and it came at me like Suge Knight. It was dark, had a flaming hot temper, and went upside my head with quickness. And Chris was right. It was grease-tastic. Better than Matt’s.

As a commemorative gift for my first Nook burger and my blogging for Metromag.com, Chris gave me a present from the staff at Metro Magazine: a five pound bag of rice. “Nothing says ‘Good Job’ like a bag of rice,” Chris said. 

Meat. Cheese. Bar banter about testies. And now, a big bag of rice. What more does a guy need?