It's Open Mic night at Acme, and now just might be your chance to prove that you have serious funnies brewing in your brain. The slots are only three minutes long and the newbies go first, so you won't feel like you need to top that act by that one handsome guy whose jokes about Lost somehow also said a lot about the state of race relations in America.

Tips for beginners

1. Heckle the audience
When you go on-stage, the audience will probably be cross-legged and working on a buzz, so waking them up is the best way to ensure there's some laugh-inducing chemistry in the air. Avoid lame salutations like, "Anybody feel like laughing tonight?" where the only possible response is a drunken "woo." Everybody feels like laughing tonight, duh. Instead, try to catch them off guard. "Anybody feel like experiencing one of the seven Catholic rites tonight?" No one will expect to hear that.

2. Have a drink first
For obvious reasons. Don't have more than three.

3. Pretend you are not breaking out in hives and the audience will too.

4. If all else fails, do a Seinfeld-ian "What's up with __?" routine.
Here are some suggestions for ways to fill in ___
-Cat Fancy magazine
-Kids who scratch off the "c" in "Baby Changing Table"
-Freecreditreport.com
-Trya Banks' camp for kids, which shares a name with the oily section of the face (T-Zone)
-The classical Shaker song "Simple Gifts"
-That creepy pig-tailed girl in the Wendy's logo who really likes red meat

OK, so we're not that funny. That's why the mic needs champs like you.

Open Mic Night
7:30 p.m.
Free

Acme Comedy Co.
708 1st St. N., Mpls.