Joe Mauer won baseball's American League MVP award yesterday, officially cementing his place in the Top Ten Moments in Sideburns History. Apologies go out to John Lennon’s Bed-in for Peace for joining the ranks of those many moments in the “also receiving votes” category. In case you’re curious, here’s the updated Top Ten Moments in Sideburns History list:

 

 

#10 -  Dylan dumps Brenda for Kelly – November 11, 1992

     

It took 3 seasons and 13 episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 before Dylan McKay finally came to his senses and left Brenda Walsh for Kelly Taylor. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long, as that same week, Dylan’s SAT scores were lost in the mail and he hit the road out of frustration. Resilient as always, Dylan and his sideburns would end up in the arms of another beautiful woman, this time a wealthy heiress living on a remote ranch in Northern California.

 

#9 - John T. Ford doesn’t kill Abraham Lincoln – April 14, 1865

      
 
John Ford managed the Ford Theater where honest Abe was killed. After the assassination, Ford was arrested and held for six weeks on the suspicion that he helped John Wilkes Booth with the dirty deed. After a thorough investigation, it was determined that Ford was innocent, scoring vindication for him, his family and people with sideburns everywhere.

 

#8 - Samual Jackson retrieves Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase – October 14, 1994

 

  
  
This was a big day for Samuel Jackson, as he tried his first Big Kahuna burger, killed three people, saved the soul of Marsellus Wallace and enthusiastically shared his favorite bible passage with his good friend John Travolta. Sideburns have never looked so badass. 

#7 - Joe Mauer wins  American League MVP – Nov. 23, 2009

    

Joe Mauer wins the American League MVP, becoming only the second catcher to do so in the last 33 years. Mauer received 27 of 28 first place votes. Vote number 28 went to Brady Anderson.

 
 

#6 - Aaron Burr outduels Alexander Hamilton – July 11, 1804
  
      

Aaron Burr was the Vice President of the United States when he shot and killed Alexander Hamilton, the former Secretary of State. To escape prosecution, Burr and his sideburns fled to South Carolina for two months, before returning un-hindered to his duties in Washington D.C. In the future, this incident would serve as an important precedent for Vice Presidents to be able to shoot people without consequence (see Cheney, Dick).

 

#5 - Elvis Presley appears on the Ed Sullivan show – September 9, 1956

 
    
 
The first big stop on his way to becoming the king of rock and roll, Elvis, his sideburns and his swaying hips were seen by over 55 million people on TV.

 

#4 - Charles Darwin publishes his theory of natural selection – November 22, 1859

    
 
An accomplished scientist in numerous ways, it is the theory of natural selection that modern society most associates with Charles Darwin. This makes it interesting to note then, that Darwin went on to marry his cousin. It is this paradoxical decision that would lead to the eventual development of the equally famous “do as I say and not as I do" theory.

#3 - Alexander the Great takes over most of the world – June 19, 334 B.C.

   

At only 30 years old, Alexander the Great had expanded his Greek empire to include a sizable chunk of the globe. At the time of his death at 32, he had conquered Syria, Egypt, Persia and Mesopotamia, earning him a record fourteen extra armies at the beginning of each turn.

 

#2 - James T. Kirk captains the Starship Enterprise for the first time – February 22, 2264

     

This momentous day began Captain Kirk’s illustrious career of exploring and saving the universe. Years later, Kirk would use his sideburns and his celebrity to champion for the rights of internet users to get affordable rates on hotels and airfare.

 
 

#1 - An ambitious Caveman rubs two sticks together and makes fire – 400,000 B.C.

      

The discovery of fire served as a giant stepping stone for the advancement of the human race. While there have been more impressive discoveries as well as more impressive sideburns over the last 400,000 years, the gravitas of this finding allows it to sit comfortably atop the Top Ten Moments in Sideburn History list.  Not surprisingly, this incident anchors the list of Top Ten Moments in Back Hair History as well.

*** My good friend Wikipedia contributed significantly to the information used for this list. Also, the photos above were taken by some talented people who are not me. 

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Tomorrow's Post: Joining an illustrious group that includes all steroid users, gay men and people named Tommy Lee.